It was late 2011 when I spent yet another afternoon watching MTV after school and a new boy band called One Direction was praised as “the next big thing” before their music video started playing. As I never quite understood the Bieber fever, I was sure seeing videos of five boys running around on a beach wasn’t going to do anything for me either. For some reason, they continued to show up on my TV screen and everywhere else, and soon enough I found myself looking them up on my mum’s laptop when they didn’t. “You like them, don’t you?”, she teased, and I replied irritated, “I just want to know what they’re about”. It wasn’t long after that I found myself googling and memorising every little thing about them, and the walls of my room were covered with their faces. Liam was my favourite, I decided very early on.
I remember watching their music video for ‘One Thing’, which had just come out at that point, and, as I’d never been to London before, I fantasised about what it must be like to live in a big, busy city like that. Over the entire following summer, I used all the laptop time my mum would allow me to either watch more of their music videos and interviews or catch up on whatever they were up to or which city they were currently in while on tour. When school started again, I had classified myself as a “Directioner” and I tried to talk my friends into becoming part of the fandom as well, but, while they enjoyed their music and my nonsense rambling about five boys none of us had even met before, they did not get infected by the hysteria as I did.
A while ago, I read somewhere that fans often hyper-focus on people when they feel like they have been failed by people in their real lives, and considering my experience with years of social bullying at school by ex-best friends who viewed me as their “ugly friend” along with boys either completely ignoring my presence or being mean to me, I now think that is exactly what was happening. The ideas I had in my head about Liam Payne, Harry Styles, Niall Horan, Louis Tomlinson and Zayn Malik were fantasised and put on a pedestal – they would never mistreat me and they would always be there for me, and they loved their fans.
At 14, my English language skills had improved drastically – having finished the year before just passing the class, I had started the new school year off by writing straight As. In addition, I had finally made a new friend who had got just as infected with One Direction as I had. We both created fan accounts on Instagram; she was a “Niall girl”, and I was a“Harry girl” by that point. Every day after school, we would log into this, what felt like another world, where everyone was just as obsessed with this band as we were, sharing videos, edits and photoshops, all centring around them. We started writing fan fiction for ourselves, others and each other, imagining a life that was much more entertaining and fulfilling than the one we were leading. As failed classes along with a change of schools and being the outsider again caused a lot of severe mental health struggles, the One Direction world I had created online, which involved thousands of like-minded individuals, felt like the only safe space I had. For the longest time, I considered the worst day of my life the day Zayn Malik left the band, and the best day of my life when I saw the rest of them live for the first time in 2015.
I’m so thankful to have met some of my online friends in person, creating real-life memories with them, whether it was a city trip through their hometown, attending concerts with them, or supporting me through my first heartbreak over a boy, mourning my beloved grandmothers passing with me and helping me settle into my life in a new city – my online friends became real-life friends who have grown up with me and been with me through thick and thin – and it is evident that I would have never met them if it wasn’t for One Direction. I certainly wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for One Direction. Upon reflection, every joyful memory I have of my teens and every life-altering memory of my early 20s involved One Direction and, therefore, Liam Payne, one way or another.
Hearing the news of his sudden death was tragically shocking, to say the least. It’s going to be one of those moments where, 20 years from now, I will remember exactly where I was when my friend messaged me and all the years I had spent online on my fan account, all the people I had once interacted with on a daily basis, and all the memories I had made started playing in my head like a film reel. I immediately had to go online, longing for the safe space I had once created, where I hoped I would find people who didn’t want to sit alone with this information either – and I was right. Fan accounts that had been paused years ago suddenly resurfaced on my Instagram feed, stories were uploaded by people I hadn’t spoken to since I was a teenager, and my phone was flooded with notifications and messages from people close to me in the past and now. Just as I was coming to terms with the latest accusations about Liam Payne – one of the five boys I had idealised for over a decade – regarding excessive alcohol- and drug use, horrifically violent behaviour towards his ex-fiance Maya Henry, and abuse of power towards fans who were minors – he not only came crashing down from the pedestal I set for him inside of my head and heart, but I am now mourning the person I thought he was at the same time as the person that died on October 16th. I am beyond devastated that this means there will never be any closure – Maya Henry is getting shit-stormed online instead of getting legal justice for her trauma, fans who were taken advantage of will never receive an apology and One Direction, the band as well as the five childhood best friends, will never be able to reunite or reminisce about their time, together. His little son Bear will never receive his father’s advice or experience his undeniable talent. His family and friends are going to attend his funeral before the wedding. He himself will never take accountability or seek needed help for his ongoing struggles with mental health and addiction. And all who grew up with him won’t have the chance to grow old with him either.
My thoughts are with everyone close to Liam, everyone around the world who loved him, and everyone who thought of him as an old acquaintance they’ve distanced themselves from, like I did. May he rest in peace, while One Direction’simpact on pop culture, an entire generation and a community of fans will last forever. I will never be able to thank them enough.
Written by Vicky Madzak
GEM Magazine 